I can’t tell you how many last times I’ve had or how many times I’ve told myself, “this is the last time”. I want to stop, I have tried so many times to stop and the truth is I have probably stopped a million and one times but I’m still addicted.
I was raised in a Christian home by parents who occupied high positions in church. My dad was an elder and my mum a deaconess. We were very comfortable. My dad worked while my mum was a full-time housewife. I was an ss1 student attending one of the best private secondary school in my state at the time and I was a good student. I have good memories from my childhood and I was friends with almost everybody. I was walking back from school one sunny afternoon with my one of my friends who lived in a house two streets apart from mine. We were gisting and I was busy chewing on my gum like it was the last gum in the world when we noticed that a shiny black jeep had stopped in front of us. We tried walking past it but the moment we approached the car, the driver wind down his glass and the first thing I noticed was his open teeth when he smiled and asked us where we were going to. I also noticed that he was probably in his mid forties, had a slight Igbo accent when he spoke, he was good-looking too though with a little pot- belly. We told him our destinations and he offered to give us a ride, I guess he must have noticed our hesitation, then he added that he could be a father to us so we had nothing to worry about. Well the sun was hot and it didn’t seem like a bad idea to complete our journey in the nice car so we jumped in, I in the front sit while my friend sat at the back ( I really can’t remember if it was his idea or if it just happened). The inside of the car smelt so nice and his AC was on, then he started asking us questions just to carry on a conversation while he drove, so we told him our names, the name of the school we attended and so on. Well the conversation didn’t last long because in no time we were outside my friends’ gate, we said our goodbyes and next thing I knew we were outside my own gate. Then he started advising me to take my studies seriously and to be a good girl. He gave me his card and told me to see him as a big Uncle, he told me to call him and then gave me some money which at first I had refused to accept but then he insisted that I take it. I accepted it, thanked him, came down from the car and he drove off. I then walked into my house.
Later on that evening, after I had showered, eaten and was done with my assignment, I picked up his card and dialed his number on the Sony Erikson phone that my elder sister had gotten tired of using and had passed down to me, it rang, he picked and then I thanked him for the ride and the money of which he replied was nothing. He then told me he was travelling to Abuja the next day and he was going to spend the weekend there but that he would return on sunday evening and that when he did he was going to give me a call and our call ended. My weekend was sweet, I had gone with my sister to the salon where she made her hair and after that we had stopped by Mr Biggs for some snacks and icecream which was of course my condition if I was to go with her. My phone rang on Sunday evening and it was him, he had called to say that he was back and that he would stop by my school the next day to pick me up so that he could give me the things he brought for me from Abuja. I slept that night looking forward to the next day.
True to his words, he was parked on the other side of the road when I walked out of our school gate the next day. I got into the front sit like it had become my birthright, I guess I had become somehow comfortable. He then told me we had to drive to his hotel because in his hurry to attend a meeting that morning, he had forgotten to put the gifts in the car. I went with him to his hotel, when we got to his room, he brought out a gift bag that contained earrings, a bracelet and a wristwatch and they looked really nice. I thanked him. I was still sitting down when he brought out a pack of 5alive with a glass from his fridge and placed in front of me. He took his sit next to me and then asked me if I liked the things he had gotten for me which I replied yes to, then he started shifting really close and making promises to me, his hands began to move all over me and my ears were hearing the sweetest words, he was speaking sweet words into my ears and next thing I know we are on the bed with my skirt raised and hands all over my bdy and the next emotion I felt was pain. We had had sex. In that second my life changed. He kept on saying sweet things to me and promised that the next time I would enjoy it even more than himself and it turned out that he was very correct.
Our escapades continued without anyone knowing the new joy I had found. He continued lavishing gifts on me but it wasn’t the gifts that kept pushing me into his bed, I had fallen in love with sex without even realizing it. He had concluded his business in my state and it was time for him to move on. I was hurt, I cried for days. He was gone, I was on holidays and I was lonely.
Lawal was our gateman, he was in his late twenties and he was a man. One day I called Lawal when everyone was out and we had sex. We were at it almost every time we had the slightest chance and yes he was our gateman but he was my only chance at satisfying an urge i had lost control of.
Life has moved on, I have had several sex partners of which some were boyfriends. I have been in situations where I have paid guys to have sex with me. I have had abortions more than I can count. I can’t stop, I keep trying to stop. I have bought vibrators to calm me down whenever I become restless but they never seem to help much. I have tried locking myself in and telling myself,” you are not going anywhere,” but i do not know how many times I have said that to myself because I keep going. I am addicted to sex.
The first time i heard your story, i thought i knew the right things to say to you so i said what i thought were the right things. Forgive me for judging you in my heart because I did. Addiction is not something that its victims ever see coming. One second you are simply fascinated and the next second you have become addicted. The truth is that God loves you so much, much more than you have ever imagined or heard and all He wants is for you to accept His love. God’s love for you doesn’t judge you or condemn you. His arms are outstretched just waiting for you to see beyond the addiction that has defined you for so long. When God looks at you, He doesn’t see a sex addict that you have called yourself, He has called you His own, His to love, His to cherish, His to take care of. He wants to carry your burden, He wants to carry that addiction, please give Him a chance, let Him in. God desires you, loves you, wants you and craves for you more than you crave for sex. God’s love heals, God’s love would hold you and never let you go,God’s love would make you whole. Give God a chance to show you just how much He loves you.